Dietary Restrictions

There's an old joke about cajuns and food.

A momma and baby crawfish are crossing a field when they come across a horse. The baby crawfish raises its claws snapping furiously at the huge beast. "Oh don't worry baby, that's a horse it won't hurt you", she assured the frightened crustacean. A few yards later baby crawfish reacts the same when they cross paths with a cow. Again mother crawfish assures the baby of its safety. Many yards are traversed when the two come across a man, "DO THIS BABY DO THIS!", the momma crawfish shouts to the baby with raised claws and continues, "IT'S A CAJUN! THEY'LL EAT ANYTHING!"

It's a pretty accurate statement. If it flies, crawls, swims, slithers or sits in a shell minding its own business, we'll eat it. And man the ways we do. Oysters are had raw, fried, baked into a Rockefeller or Pontchartrain, Fish is broiled, baked, and blackened. And then there's stewed rabbit and squirrel, and all seasoned like nothing you've ever tasted. Make ya wanna slap your mother-in-law, as my late father always said.

The list is endless. Something for any taste. Any taste but my future in-laws. What the hell do you feed a vegetarian in The Big Easy? We hit the best restaurants in the nation and at each one, they had "da salad". That's like vacationing in Hawaii and never leaving the hotel. And that was just a taste of what was to come.

Post marriage, family functions have become as complicated as a United Nations banquet. This grandmother never eats meat, the other grandma is also meatless but has included eggs as a forbidden food, 'cause we can't convince her the egg is not fertilized and will NEVER BE A CHICKEN. And then there's the aunt that cannot possibly eat garlic, as it creates heat and anger in the body, and another who can't eat rice as she's sacrificing for some reason she won't divulge. That's a tough one when every single Indian meal consists of Chickpeas, lentils and rice.

It was really difficult until my wife and I realized this impossible situation was in fact a boon for private life. We continued to have bar-be-ques with whatever we normally ate and invited everyone over for what we ate. Weeded out the difficult ones. Gonna ratchet it up to a full scale pig roast to weed out a few more.